Many, many apologies for the delay – we now return to your scheduled programming.

When I re-launched this blog, I thought to myself I’d make it a part of my regular schedule – blogging a little each day, how hard could it be?  And it wasn’t, until it suddenly was – looking at my update history, I really only managed to keep a daily update schedule for four days (three and a half, if you don’t count sick posts).

It’s really somewhat remarkable how fast a pattern can be to fall out of.

But then, those of you who know me in real life (or meatspace, as some call it) will generally know two things about me:

1. I’m always busy, and
2. I don’t spend much time with them.

I suppose one could read a bit into this – that I’m a shut-in, that I’m a workaholic, that I’m a terrible friend – and maybe some, or all of those are true.  I’d like to think I have my reasons, though, and I’d like to share them with you – even at the risk of appearing to be a whiner.   I’m a bit reticent to do so, though – this blog to the contrary, I’ve never been the best at sharing things…  or sharing non-trivial things, at least.

(More on that in a later update, maybe.)

So, then.  To that explanation.

Work, study, exercise

There’s a particular exercise technique out there called super-setting – in brief, it refers to alternating between exercises that work different muscle groups rather than taking breaks in between working a single group alone; the idea being to keep your heart rate up while still resting muscles between exercises.   That might seem like it’s apropos of nothing, but it’ll get you up to speed a lot faster if I tell you that that’s pretty much what I’m doing with my life.

I started my first real salaried job in January, and I’ve been working there ever since.  It’s interesting work – a bit of ASP.NET here, a bit of jQuery there, a bit of SQL over there – and it keeps me in textbooks and vidjagame shirts, so where’s the problem? The problem is that I’m still at uni, and will be till probably mid-2012.

Now, my boss and colleagues have been nothing but understanding; from the outset, I was told it’d be okay for me to request time off for my studies – and so that’s what I’ve been doing.  Unfortunately, it means that most days, I end up working only till about 1:30 – 2:30 at which point I dash off to class, with attendant constraints on my on-the-job productivity; it hasn’t really been a problem thus far, though, as I’m the sole dev working on the project I’m on.

Moving on, I usually have class till around 6 or 7, which allows me a quick dinner before my nightly gym sessions – these are less for vanity and more for health.  Being both overweight and a type-2 diabetic, I need to lose weight and control my blood sugar if I’m going to live a length of time that’ll make this grind worth a damn – and having friends that are type-1 diabetic, I’d be the most insensitive person in the world if I didn’t adjust my lifestyle.  My diabetes is caused by being lazy and eating junk; their diabetes is genetic – my diabetes I can control, if not eliminate completely; their diabetes they have for life.  Nightly workouts it is!

Thus far I’ve managed to keep my head above water, these things notwithstanding – but it’s a very delicate pattern, very sensitive to things not going just so.

So when I started coughing up my lungs, I instantly thought: “Shit.”

And indeed, that’s what my delicately-balanced pattern went to!  I slept a lot (to escape the discomfort and dizziness), I called in sick, I neglected my studies, my deliverables for work started to slip…

Everything was about to come crashing down on me.

Each hour I spent in bed was an hour I wasn’t spending on any of my responsibilities; every hour I spent recovering was an hour I’d have to pay for somehow (literally, too – being on casual status at work due to my flexible hours, I don’t get sick leave).

I had to do something, but what?  Drop a unit and delay graduation?  Focus on uni and risk a hit to my reputation at work?  There’s only so many times you can steal from Peter to pay Paul.

Responses

In the end, I swallowed my pride and dropped a unit – going from 4 to 3 for the semester.  In hindsight it was the only sane choice; anyone can get into a university in this country, but good IT jobs are hard to find.  I couldn’t for the life of me find another way to make the time to catch up on my responsibilities – and as much as it hurts, a man chooses.  A few extra months are nothing compared against getting the stinkeye and eventually the boot from work.

Even after swallowing that bitter pill, catching up was by the skin of my teeth – my last two assessable workshops I both perfected, but didn’t have time to commence or even study for until mere hours before they were due.  The water had stopped rising, exactly at my head.

…

So what would the lesson from all this be?  How would you bottom-line this?

Something about the importance of balance, and of building safety margins into all of your plans, no doubt.  Something that you’d find in a fortune cookie.

And I really wish I could say that that’s what I learned – truth be told though, if I had the chance to change anything…  I probably wouldn’t.  There’s too much at stake for me in maintaining this pattern, despite the toll it takes on me (you might call that pride; you might even be right).  Can you really call a lesson learned if you proceed to willfully ignore the knowledge gained?

But maybe…  maybe that’s not the real lesson.

Maybe the real lesson is to just be ready to do whatever it takes to get back on the horse.

…

And with that, I’m out!  Regular, possibly less-angsty/whiny updates resume as of tomorrow.

No lengthy update for today – I’m much too sick for that.  A few thoughts before I snuggle back under my covers:

• Uncharted isn’t bad.  Sort of like Tomb Raider Legend, with better gun-play, worse climbing and a much better story – decent, but nothing really to write home about.  Though considering the game’s vintage, I’m inclined to go easy on it – especially in light of…
• Uncharted 2.  It’s amazing.  No, seriously.  Completely understand why it’s so acclaimed now (took out most game-of-the-year awards in 2009), and it still looks better than most things I’ve played this year.  According to the behind-the-scenes featurettes, the engine is pushing something like 1.2 million polygons every frame, and there’s a shit-ton of SPU offloading happening for pretty much everything.  When I grow up, I want to work at Naughty Dog.
• Missed out on a local indie game event today – Show Us Your Bits 2011, put on by the fine folk at Let’s Make Games.  All reports indicate it was a great time – only sorry I couldn’t make it.
• Was surprised to have a friend show up to bring me some orange juice.  Y’all should be as thoughtful!  A boy could get used to this kind of thing.  <_<

That’s really all I’ve got time for today – it feels like my head weighs a ton, which I’ve lately discovered is my body’s way of telling me GO TO SLEEP ALREADY GEEZ.

Hope I get better soon.  :(

Those of you who follow me on Twitter will have observed that I acquired a PS3 on my lunch-break yesterday. It seemed like a good idea at the time, in light of the price drop ($250USD / $300AUD), and despite the Australian dollar’s newfound parity – once you take into account shipping on a heavy bastard like the PS3, it just isn’t worth trying to import one to try and save a buck.  The PS3′s finally got enough exclusives to make it worth my while, and im@s2 going multi-platform just seals the deal.

(Unrelated: the clerk manning the EB looked so much like Anne Dudek it was kind of crazy.  What is it with pretty girls and Claremont?  Don’t even get me started on the baristas around there.)

No, really, the only problem with my acquisition was when I woke up this morning – with a terrible cough, nausea and the worst fatigue I’ve had in recent memory.  I could barely limp to my computer, let alone get to my car.

This, the day after the whole office saw me go out for salad and come back with a PS3 (and salad).

There’s absolutely no way this could have a detrimental effect on my continued employment!

…

But, you know, if people are gonna think that I pulled a sickie in the name of Kutaragi (hallowed be thy name) anyway – then I might as well play around a bit.  While I’m not throwing up, of course.  :V

Here’s your blog-a-day.  Enjoy!  :V

I received a bit of a surreal phone call today during my Intelligent Systems class – from Amnesty International, of all places. An almost obsequious level of friendliness was extended to me by the caller, wanting to thank me for being generous enough to give to their cause.

Forgotten kindnesses

She proceeded to enthuse about all the good that my contribution was helping to do, and seemed to be working up to ask me for a bit more – which was the point where I interjected, having no memory of ever actually giving Amnesty International any money and would it be too much to ask if she checked exactly how much I’d been giving?

Turns out I’d set up a $20/month debit back in January after getting flagged down by an activist on my lunch break.  It had completely slipped my mind. I hadn’t even been noticing the debit, or maybe I’d been chalking it up to my gym membership instead.  While I mulled over my reasons for this oversight, she began giving me a spiel about how authorising another $2.50/month would go a long way to reduce maternity health issues in Zimbabwe, or…  something.

Lest my derisive tone suggest otherwise, I consented to the raise.  $2.50/month was so far below my notice (hell, $20/month was below my notice!) that it didn’t bear much thought – and if it’s alleviating human suffering, I guess that’s a small price to pay.

But here’s the thing – I don’t know whether I was eager to get back to class, or just eager to get out of the conversation, or whatever – but I couldn’t bear to listen to her congratulate me on doing the right thing.

I don’t place a high value on that sort of thing.

The value of self-satisfaction

I had an interesting experience at a friend’s going-away party recently.  I was seated next to an older man, and in the name of defeating awkwardness began making some small conversation.  Innocuous enough, but the conversation soon took a radical turn after I told him that I was studying games programming.

“Games programming? Heh,” he grunted dismissively.  ”Why don’t you do something meaningful with your life?”

(I’m still not sure what to think of his audacity.  Maybe you just get crotchety with age, I guess.)

Even after I explained that my life so far – every proficiency identified, every skill mastered – had been in the pursuit of that goal, a unique balance of problem solving and elegant design, he remained unmoved.

“Now listen, Jetha,” he said.  ”You’re clearly a talented young man, with linguistic and analytical skills beyond that of most.”  (I may have choked on my drink at this point.)  ”I hate to see people with potential squander it, and I don’t want to see you waste your time on something as trivial as games.  Have you considered volunteering in the Third World?”

(If I hadn’t choked before, I certainly did then.)

I attempted to pass it off, claiming that I was unsuited to such travails; but there was no way out, and the conversation from hell continued until it was time for him to leave – the surety of my long-held goals dwindling with every word.  Apparently boyhood dreams and piled-high sacrifice don’t mean a thing in the face of the self-satisfaction that I’d get from braving it all to get people clean drinking water.

But you know what? To hell with self-satisfaction.

Don’t get me wrong, I know full well there are people out there that need our help.  I know it’s the right thing to do.  But I’m not going to help them, not me personally.  And you know why?  Because I don’t think it’s worth it.

I think the world is much better served if we, each of us, find our own destinies – find the one thing that we can do better than anyone else, or at least get close to it – and then pay those people who make this stuff their life’s work such that they can do what they need to do.

Here’s what it comes down to: who has a bigger impact on the world – a rich man who builds a homeless shelter, or a rich man who decides to volunteer at someone else’s?  You might argue that the second man would be more self-satisfied – but self-satisfaction doesn’t help people not freeze to death under highway overpasses.

…

I guess I’m a terrible human being.  :V

> walk in the door at 9:30
> spend some time installing a new PSU and graphics card
> start chkdsk /B at 10:15
> ...

Here I am, playing a game of wait-and-hurry-up with my own work machine.  Good time as ever to blog, I guess!

It’s been a really long time since the last time I wrote anything.  I’ve been just flat-out this year with a new job, an intensified class load and the beginnings of a social life (such as it is) – but things are getting to a head now, and I think some introspection would be healthy.

I’ll be writing about tech, games, development and maybe some personal stuff too, if it’s not too cloying; and for now, that’s where I’ll leave it.

It’s good to be back on the web.